


Whenever you're ready (can we surrender?)

by CuckooTrooke



Series: Author's challenge (Under 1500 w one shots) [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, POV First Person, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 08:58:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17159066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuckooTrooke/pseuds/CuckooTrooke
Summary: Sauli is visiting Adam after a long time and is reminiscing. Thinking, longing and hoping.





	Whenever you're ready (can we surrender?)

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas everyone!   
> This particular one-shot has no plot whatsoever, I was just curious about writing from first person which I personally find oddly challenging.

I knew it from the moment I made the decision to visit LA, that I would become some sort of a target among Adam's fans. Not all of them but definitely to some of them.

They might have been able to shrug off that first night in Helsinki. Who hasn't had a one night fling sometimes? Or even that short getaway in Paris. But I knew they wouldn't shake off the LA which happens to be across the globe. Even they knew that I, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn't travel that distance just for anybody. 

It needed to be a special somebody. And to me it was, whether they believed it or not. 

I on the other hand, have learned to shurg off and ignore all the negative comments about me and our relationship. I learned it all the way back when I got out of Big Brother when I made the mistake of googling myself. I never imagined such cruel people even existed. 

It was harder for Adam. He felt guilty about all the things that was said about me and how some people even dragged Tommy into it all. I still remember cracking him a smile, cupping his unnecessarily serious face, and telling him what the hell do they know about us. 

_Nothing._

Adam felt protective of me, even when he didn't have to, and the sad thing was that some of his "fans" caused it on many occasions. If it weren't them that bothered him, it was the press and paparazzi. 

I didn't really care. But he did. Sometimes a little too much. 

But what I cared about more than anything was the impact it could have had on Adam. He spent way more time on twitter than I ever did so he saw a lot more than I did. Sometimes I rested my head on his shoulder while he lurked his fans, and every time someone said something bad about our relationship, more speficially my "secret" motives, he was suddenly 'horny' or 'drowsy', anything at all just so he'd have a good reason to put his phone or ipad away. 

Sometimes I thought, I _feared_ , that he wasn't just trying to protect me but himself. I hated the idea of him ever believing it. Any of it. 

I accepted that some of his fans loathed me or had a bitter attitude towards me. I knew it would happen when I chose to get involved with him, but I didn't accept that they would ever cause Adam to doubt _us_. Something that was always as solid as a rock, no matter what was happening around him. 

I don't really know if he ever had such thoughts but it still breaks my heart just thinking about it. 

"The discussion is running wild" Adam said, his thumb aggressively sweeping on his phone screen. He had a glass of red wine on his free hand but he has been too busy being on his phone, so the glass was still nearly full. 

"What are they saying now?" I asked, straightening up my head. I don't even know how long I spent watching Adam just quietly browsing his phone, his facial expressions going from little cocks of his eyebrows to wicked lil' grins.

"Just speculating" Adam said, "They're not entirely sure if you're here or not"

"Maybe I should post Pharaoh on my story" I suggested with a wink, "That ought to do it"

Adam chuckled, agreeing with a hum. 

The faintest blush on Adam's cheeks and the tiniest shift of his leg, revealed that while they might not know for sure if I'm in LA yet, some are still definitely already making up their own versions of our meet up.

Whatever floats their boat, we always say and laugh it off. We are aware of what people talk about us, have always been, and we try to be a good sport about it. 

"So they can say you're making sure the world knows you're with me" Adam winked mischievously. 

"That's what I always aim for" 

"I thought so" Adam smirked, pushing himself up, "Want more wine?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" I asked, smirking, but handed Adam my empty glass anyway. 

"Oh babe, you know I don't need to get you drunk if I wanted something from you" Adam said, in that exaggeratedly low tone of his. 

Which is true. 

Unfortunately. Or fortunately. 

It's no secret that sometimes those assumptions all those people have of us, the positive ones, are true. 

Sometimes you get lost in the moment, simple as. Or you long to feel familiar skin against yours, safe intimacy, and who else could offer that better than an ex partner? We know each other thoroughly and it's empowering. Not only when you feel a little lost and lonely but anytime. 

We all have our needs. 

"Or do you disagree?" Adam asked when he came back with my filled glass and gave it back to me.

I wanted to say yes. But every since we got to know each other, we have never had any secrets. And the way he asked that, kind of reminded me of all the old times. 

"No" I finally said, taking a small sip of the wine, "You still have me wrapped around your pinky"

"Good to know I still got it" Adam said and playfully glanced down at this body before sitting back down. I chuckled, shaking my head and taking yet another sip of my wine. 

I'm not sure if my cheeks felt warm because of the alcohol.

"But in all seriousness,,, You know I love you" I said, watching as Adam tipped his head boyishly and nodded, "And you know what I'm about"

Adam nodded again.

"Just making sure"

"I've always known what you're about" Adam convinced, "Even when I knew nothing about anything else and when everything else felt like a chaos"

I smiled, feeling my heart bubble the tiniest bit. 

Pharaoh came strutting into the room, watching both Adam and me in turns like he was trying to decide whose lap tempted him the most in this moment. He ended up hopping on Adam's. 

I pulled out my phone, snapping a picture of Pharaoh, fully aware that Adam's hand holding his phone was visible in the background. And fully aware that it'll cause some sort of a backlash once I post it. 

Speculation and tons of assumptions. I put it on my story and put my phone back aside.

"Anyway... Has there been, you know, anything going on?" Adam asked.

"Relationships haven't really been the first thing on my mind lately" I said dimly, gingerly swaying the wine in my glass. My eyes were transfixed on the swirling, like they were more fascinating than the conversation that threatened to raise its head. 

"Right" Adam cringed, "Sorry. I didn't mean-"

"I know you didn't" I interrupted, "Right now I'm just trying to let the time pass... It's getting better. Slowly. But still does"

"Do you wanna talk-"

"No" I said right away, "Not yet"

Adam nodded acceptingly. Though it has been several weeks since we said our last goodbyes to my father, I still haven't been able to bring myself to talk about it. Not with anyone but my family who shares the same grief. 

Adam has known me long enough not to take it personally. 

But the subject alone raised a lump up to my throat and caused a burning sting behind my eyes. I blinked and swallowed hard, trying to conceal all of it. 

"Hey, no" Adam said quietly, dropping his phone on his lap and stretched out his arm towards me. I felt reluctant at first, not because I didn't want to, we hug each other all the time when we see each other, right now it just felt like a gate that was being pushed open. For the first time in a long time, I had no idea what could break free behind that gate. 

But then again, Adam has seen it all. 

I all but toppled over to his embrace, melting into the comfort of his body.

"I don't want to pretend I know how you feel but I'm sure it'll be fine" Adam whispered, breath puffing warmly against my scalp, "It just takes a little more time"

"Mm" I hummed pitifully, squeezing Adam's waist. 

"Wanna lurk twitter and laugh at all the ridiculous assumptions and theories?" 

"Yes, please" I said, fixing my position a little so I could see, "Best entertainment"

Regardless of having broken up years ago, I still possesively clutched Adam's body when I spotted any thirsty comments. I never really felt threatened even when we were together, except sometimes in clubs and bars where hungry fanboys surrounded him.

It was still always me who went home with him.

I might not go home with him in the same meaning anymore, I'm still the one currently lying on his chest. 

Whether they like the idea or not.

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a second part to this one. Depending on does my muse lounge on his/her fabulous arse all day or do they offer something productive to me.
> 
> If you're curious about where the title came from or what fed my muse, here's the song:
> 
> [Natalie Taylor - Surrender ](https://youtu.be/lo_WJgaTzwY)


End file.
